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23 April, 2010

After a long Hiatus- A chat from Ladies Room

Yes a note not on fitness but something that I find more relevant.

You go out on a date with a lovely man one evening and kibitz about it afterwards with your friends. "I hope he calls," - because how could he not? The two of you spent hours getting to know each other better, even going so far as to share an amazing kiss at the end of the night.

Your friends in turn tell you how amazing and wonderful you are. Of course he'll call! Yet, two weeks later, he still hasn't. A slew of excuses are made in his defense: he's really busy at work, maybe he ran into his ex or perhaps he lost the piece of paper with your number on it.
A man is, "...made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

Sometimes when we meet someone new and we fancy him, it is easy to ignore the warning signals and miss the fact that he might not be as keen as we are in return. We want the happy ending so much we often miss the alarm bells until it is too late. But if you keep your wits about you, with eyes firmly focused on his actions and the things he's NOT saying or doing, you should be able to spot when a guy is not really interested. In fact, there are 10 clear signs that he's not into you and they are listed from the most obvious to the least.


1. NO ACTIVE CONNECTION
When a guy has no interest there is hardly any reaction on his part: few phone calls, few dates, no fun time together and no desire to spend too much time with you, except just for sex. If you spend a lot of time wondering why he doesn't call or keep his promises, this is the biggest giveaway as to his real feelings. When a guy likes you, he will want to keep that connection going. If it is not there, neither are you.

2. NO RECIPROCITY
In this case, you will find that you are the one doing most things: making suggestions or asking for the dates and calls. You will be doing the pushing because he won't return your interest. He will be contented to wait for you to make the move first and will react or reciprocate only if it suits him.

3. HE PREFERS TO BE YOUR 'FRIEND'
He will stress this aspect soon after you meet. "Why can't we be friends?", he might ask. The minute that comes out it means he sees you more like a close buddy or relative than a potential lover or partner. Friendship is more detached than a relationship, easier to control and does not carry too much commitment for anything on either side. That would suit him nicely because he can then keep you at a controllable distance.

4. HE IS ALWAYS TOO BUSY
This is a dead giveaway because no one is ever too busy to see the person they care about. Once someone is too busy most of the time to see you or call you, he is giving a powerful message of not wishing to make the time to enjoy your company. What he is actually saying is that other things are far more important, and engaging, than trying to find time to interact with you.

5. NO PERSONAL INITIATIVE
A guy will be reluctant to use his initiative because that will only encourage you more when he is actually trying to keep his distance! Hence everything will be left up to you. Having little interest in pleasing you or your desires, he'll prefer to leave it to you to act. In that way, he won't feel any obligation to reciprocate your actions.

6. MISMATCH IN WORDS AND ACTIONS
When someone is really not into you they are likely to say one thing but do another. That is the time when the signal is clear because interested people will match their words with their actions because their words become their bond. They will be keen to fulfil their promises because they would want to please you. That's how they would get their satisfaction: through your obvious happiness.

7. FREQUENT ABSENCES
When a guy doesn't really want you he will vote with his feet. There will be frequent unexplained absences which he will resent discussing with you as he will believe he is still a free agent and not subject to your scrutiny. If he is spending more time away from you than he spends with you, the writing is already on the wall!

8. MAINLY GIRLFRIENDS
If a guy seems keen to cultivate mainly girls as his 'friends', he is either a player, he has something to prove or he feels more comfortable with girls. You are then likely to be just one of his crowd and nothing special. If he goes to lengths to mention all the other girls he knows, and stresses how he treats you all the same, that's the warning sign for you because he won't be treating you any different.

9. NO COMMITMENT
This is the litmus test but often you have to get to a certain stage to find this out as it does not reveal itself at the beginning, hence why it is last on the list. When we really like someone we are prepared to commit ourselves to that love, whether for a week, a month or a lifetime. When someone resists any form of commitment and seems keen to just let things 'flow' rather than directing them in any meaningful way, that is a sign that he is not into you, he does not value you as you might value him and does not want a long term relationship with you.

Oprah Winfrey once said, "If a guy wants you, nothing will keep him away, and if he doesn't want you, nothing will make him stay." It's excellent advice to be borne in mind with any new relationship. You will be able to spot all the signs that might be keeping him away at the outset rather than discovering them the hard, painful way further down the line.

10. HE SAYS HE WILL CALL AND THEN DOES'NT
If you're important to him, he will move heaven and earth to be with you or talk to you. If he consistently "forgets" to call or suddenly "remembers" a day or two later, rest assured you are not high on his priority list. If you start out far down on his "to do" list, you are likely to sink further with time.


Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. All lies. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.

She says: There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot, or beg anyone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

For ages women have come together over coffee, cocktails, or late-night phone chats to analyze the puzzling behavior of men.
He's afraid to get hurt again.Maybe he doesn't want to ruin the friendship.Maybe he's intimidated by me.He just got out of a relationship.
Despite good intentions -- you're wasting your time. Men are not complicated, although they'd like you to think they are. And there are no mixed messages.
The truth may be He's just not that into you.
Unfortunately guys are too terrified to ever directly tell a woman, ''You're not the one.'' But their actions absolutely show how they feel.
He's Just Not That Into You -- based on a popular episode of Sex and the City -- educates otherwise smart women on how to tell when a guy just doesn't like them enough, so they can stop wasting time making excuses for a dead-end relationship.
Reexamining familiar scenarios and classic mindsets that keep us in unsatisfying relationships, Behrendt and Tuccillo's wise and wry understanding of the sexes spares women hours of waiting by the phone, obsessing over the details with sympathetic girlfriends, and hoping his mixed messages really mean ''I'm in love with you and want to be with you.''
It deserves a place on every woman's night table. It knows you're a beautiful, smart, funny woman who deserves better. The next time you feel the need to start ''figuring him out,'' consider the glorious thought that maybe, He's just not that into you. And then set yourself loose to go find the one who is.

What it says about men: In the words of author Greg Behrendt, "If a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way." This book focuses less on man-bashing and more on women's inability to recognize a disinterested partner.

Women should avoid men who:

Keep them waiting by the phone
Are not sure they want a relationship
Make them feel sexually undesirable
Drink or do drugs to an extent it makes them uncomfortable
Fear talking about the future
Are married


Guys Are Schmucks!

Let's be honest: When it comes to relationships, women spend most of their time thinking of how to have one, while men spend most of our time thinking of how to get out of one.

He’s just not that into you if: he’s “too busy for a girlfriend. But when I like someone, you can bet your pretty little face I’ll make some time to hang out with them, and eventually date them if I like them enough.

He’s just not that into you if: he doesn’t ask you questions about yourself. I use this one to do a little test to see if a guy actually likes me. I’ll mention something about myself when it fits with the conversation we’re having. Like, if we’re talking about blogs I’ll say “Oh, I write for an awesome website.” If the guy just nods then rambles about some blog he frequents, I’ve got a huge hint as to his feelings about me. If he asks which fabulous site I write for, what I write about, etc. then I assume he actually cares. (And then I edit what I write about him on the site…. he’s gonna be reading it now, after all!)

He’s just not that into you if: he knows you know about other girls he’s messing around/trying to mess around with, but he doesn’t stop. But if a guy wants you to take him seriously, he won’t like that you have to hear about him hooking up with other girls. More importantly, he won’t want to hurt you. And no, ladies, this does not mean that if he tries to hide this from you, he likes you.

He’s just not that into you if: he puts you down. I’m not talking about teasing, which can be a fun way to flirt. I mean “you’re fat,” “you have no friends,” “I’m always the better one in this relationship,” type stuff. Don’t put up with that from a guy, ever.

He’s just not that into you if: he’s all over other girls in front of you. Yes, guys can be extra friendly. They can also be audacious enough to hit on other girls in front of your face. At times it can be a fine line, but it’s not a good sign when they cross it.

He’s just not that into you if: you guys haven’t been hooking up for very long and he doesn’t care about grossing you out/being rude. She was lying in a guy’s bed, about to drift off when he decided it was the right time to tell me he farts in his sleep (which wouldn’t be well timed, like these). Completely unnecessary, but hey, thanks for giving her a good reason to get the hell out of there!

He’s just not that into you if: he only focuses on himself during sex. When you like someone, you like to please them, plain and simple. He might be nervous that he’s not a sexual savant but if he likes you, he’ll want to try.

He’s just not that into you if: he pretty much kicks you out of bed the next morning. If he wakes up, looks at you, and the first words out of his mouth are “When are you leaving?” (or some variation with the same message) you can assume he doesn’t have a burning desire to date you.

He’s just not that into you if: he doesn’t say hi to you when he sees you somewhere. No, he’s not nervous. No, he’s not trying to come up with the perfect opening line. No, he’s not waiting until he can go check his hair in a mirror. He might not remember who you are (not a good sign), or, worse, he might just not care.

He’s just not that into you if: he only mass texts you. You open a text and see “Hey grl. Wat r u doin? I’m bored, wna come watch a movie?” Your friends all open their phones to the same text. Charming. If this happens, shoot him an “LOL” and be done with it.

He’s just not that into you if: he only texts you, period. I don’t care if he has unlimited texts, guys will take time to call the girls they like.

He’s just not that into you if: he has to get drunk every time you hang out. Think about it: if he was completely hammered at that party you went to together last night, more than buzzed at that dinner a few days ago, and stumbling over his words at breakfast a week ago…you have a problem on your hands. Or maybe he has the problem and should be referred to AA.

He’s just not that into you if: he hits on your best friend. It’s unlikely that he’s trying to make you jealous. When I’ve explained this hopeful theory to my guy friends, they stare at me like I’m a moron and then say “Kiran. We’re too simple for that. He’s hitting on her because he likes her, not you.” Ouch.

He’s just not that into you if: he talks about his ex-girlfriend and you can tell he’s not over her. There was one guy that rapped (yes, rapped) about his ex-girlfriend when his girlfriend was alone with him. Do I even need to explain this one?

The bottom line is, boys that like you are supposed to treat you well. They’ll show an interest in you, the things you like, and will want to make you feel special. So, if he repeatedly makes you wonder if he’s really into you, he’s not worth it! Move on and find someone you like who actually wants to be with you. You’re fabulous, you deserve it.

The excuses and stories we make up to justify our fantasies about unavailable men. We waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” None of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise--the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives. Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain. Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park. Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait? Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you? Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 16 characteristics he exhibits:

Eager to see you
Reluctant to leave you
Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
Interested in you and your life
Wants to be helpful
Is verbally and physically affectionate
Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
Texts, emails or calls regularly
Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
If you are dating other men--willing to hang in there
Becoming more attentive and loving over time
Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
Becoming more open to sharing his living space
Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.
Saying he loves you
Saying he wants a future with you


Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you. If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities. Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One. Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not that into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three. On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon. You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.” A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you

Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.

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